I Was Struggling In Some Of My Most Liked Instagram Photos
My gym selfies from 2015 were a poor representation of my health.
Did you know Instagram has an “archive” feature?
It’s the equivalent of “memories” on Facebook.
If you log into the app and click on your profile, there’s a menu icon in the upper right-hand corner of the screen. The archive is the third option on the pop-up menu.
Click the image of the clock whose hands are supposedly moving counter-clockwise, and a picture or story you posted on that day, years ago, pops up.
I’m a sucker for nostalgia, so I started making a habit of checking my archive even before checking my notifications every morning.
Most of these preserved moments were enjoyable to look back on: flashbacks to the start of my relationship with Mark, baby pictures of my nieces and nephews, and selfies with friends and family.
Then my #fitspo era — and all the gym selfies, food pictures, and “fit girl” hashtags that came along with it — came back to haunt me.
When I look at the girl flexing in the bathroom of Planet Fitness, I can see past the tone and slim physique.
And what I see makes me incredibly sad.
I was struggling, and very few people could see it.
That was evident by the number of likes these types of pictures racked up at the time.
(Trigger Warning: This post discusses eating disorders and food restriction - please feel free to click out of this post if it is not beneficial to your journey.)
I struggled with body image dysmorphia from a young age and developed an eating disorder early on in college. During my junior year, my Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) transitioned into Anorexia Nervosa. I was diagnosed by my campus therapist, and we worked through the emotions I was harboring.
Needless to say, when I initially immersed myself in the fitness world, it wasn’t with the healthiest of intentions. I joined programs, not to gain muscle, but to lose weight (more weight than I needed to lose). I convinced myself that I was “counting macros,” when, really, I just used the tactic to secretly count my calories. I drank protein shakes because drinking felt “safer” than eating, and ate all the popular “fit snacks” of the time, like Quest Bars, because they were high in protein and low in sugar.
What I didn’t realize was the whey protein in these various health bars and shakes - which tasted gross, by the way - was making my IBS worse. I was making myself sick with “health” foods that weren’t all that healthy for my body. I was losing weight, but that was, in part, because what I was putting into my body was being rejected, and violently so.
Photo courtesy of @juliee_girl via Instagram
From 2014 up until I got married, I had a complicated relationship with the gym and exercise. On the one hand, I loved moving my body and getting stronger. I felt proud when I was able to lift heavier and run faster, and, yes, I did love the results I was seeing. I was leaning out and toned. I was fitting into clothes I never felt comfortable in before.
To the naked eye, I’d achieved my goal.
Mentally, however, I was struggling. I was exercising for aesthetic purposes. When I wasn’t at the gym, I was focused on food (what I was eating, how much I was eating, and my next meal). Meals made me anxious and snacking made me even more anxious. This was especially true on days when I didn’t work out.
My life centered around food and exercise. It was my stress relief. The gym was my happy place. But exercising was also my punishment and my meal ticket. It was light, but it was darkness.
Photo courtesy of @juliee_girl via Instagram
There is one picture, in particular, that breaks my heart when I see it. I’m alone in the Planet Fitness locker room. I’m looking down at the camera, sitting on a bench, with my arms up and flexed.
It’s Thanksgiving morning.
Rather than spend it sitting at the table with my mom and Nana, drinking tea and eating buttered rye toast, I’m “earning” my holiday feast.
“Started Thanksgiving off with HIIT cardio and some lifts,” I wrote in the caption. “Feeling energized for this fabulous holiday weekend!”
The post generated 125 likes in less than 24 hours.
Granted, if I saw this photo on someone else’s grid, I probably would have tapped the heart button, too. I looked like all the other “fit girls” you’d find under the hashtag. My biceps were bulging and toned, and my waist was so small.
But what most people don’t know, is that my stomach wreaked havoc that night because it wasn’t used to eating so much - and by “so much,” I mean a normal amount of food. You also wouldn’t know I sat at the table nervously taking inventory of everything I put on my plate, and everything I didn’t but wish I had.
Photo courtesy of @juliee_girl via Instagram
It’s taken a lot to get to where I am now. I’m so sad for the girl in those pictures, but I’m also really proud of the woman I am today.
I’m still working on my relationship with both food and fitness, but I’ve come a long, long way. I still have trigger foods, and I’m still plenty aware of how much I’m eating, but these thoughts are at the back of my mind, like a whisper, not at the forefront, like a scream. I eat what I want to eat and, for the most part, I want healthy foods. But I also have a gigantic sweet tooth and rarely will you catch me turning down a cookie or chocolate at the end of the day.
As for fitness, well, let’s just say it’s been years since I’ve taken a gym selfie (though I can’t promise I’ll never take one again - gotta hit those angles sometimes).
Working as a health and wellness reporter helped in my recovery. I’ve had the opportunity to try a myriad of exercise programs and classes, and that has helped me approach fitness with a curious and playful approach. Now, I move my body according to how it’s feeling and what it’s craving day by day. Sometimes, that means lifting weights. Sometimes, that means going for a walk.
Candid photo courtesy of Tina.
More often than not, when I look in the mirror, I’m content. I may not like every picture taken of me, and I still have days when I go through multiple outfits and rip apart my closet like a tornado, frustrated at how things look or fit. But, at the end of the day, I love my body and am grateful for everything it does for me. I’m focused on feeling good and staying healthy, and can honestly say I’m doing well on both fronts.
It just goes to show, a picture really is worth a thousand words, and when the said picture is on social media, you’ll barely get the first sentence, let alone the full story.
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Thank you so much for sharing this story!
It really is true how social media is only a highlight reel. You are an inspiration to people everywhere. A lot of us have struggled in this world with similar situations and you are a role model as you speak about your reflections and how you were able to grow from this . ❤️
Super brave to share this, Julia. Thank you - you are a total inspiration. X Dana