A Thank You Note To All My Female Friendships

I appreciate you.

I watched one of my favorite coming-of-age movies this past weekend. 

The weather had me feeling nostalgic. It was hot - much hotter than I would like it to be in May - and the humidity reminded me of summer afternoons as a pre-teen, watching television in my parent’s living room with the ceiling fan whirring at its highest speed setting. So when my husband, Mark, and I got home from brunch, I searched Now and Then on Amazon Prime. I clicked “rent,” opened the balcony door to let the hot air from the outside mix with the forced cold air circulating inside, and pressed play. 

If you’ve never seen Now and Then, I implore you to do so. In my opinion, it’s one of the best coming-of-age movies of our time. 

I liken it to the female version of Stand By Me. The cast is phenomenal, and the grouping of them together feels subliminally 90s: Christina Ricci plays tomboy Roberta, Thora Burch portrays hormone-crazed Teeny, Ashleigh Ashton Moore is the sweet and innocent Chrissy, and Gabby Hoffman plays the paranormal-obsessed Samantha. Together, they make up a group of four best friends growing up in a sheltered housing development in the small (fictional) town of Shelby, Indiana. Rosie O’Donnell, Melanie Griffith, Rita Wilson, and Demi Moore played their grown-up counterparts, respectively. 

In short, the movie takes place in the present-day (which, back then, meant the early 90s) when the women come together to make good on a pact they made when they were 12, promising that, no matter what, they’d be there for each other. You’re introduced to each character one by one, and it becomes apparent that the four of them have led very different lives up until this point. A few minutes go by, and suddenly you’re transported back to the 1970s. From there, the film tells a tale following the classic “summer that changed everything” trope, exploring the importance of female friendships. 

It always makes me cry. 

Though normally the tears don’t come until the second half of the movie when the mood shifts and the storylines get a little deeper and a little dark (I won’t spoil), but not this time. No, this time my eyes welled up early. 

Mark noticed my sniffling. He peeked his eyes over his laptop screen on the opposite side of the couch.

“Are you crying?” he asked, understandably confused. After all, it was a happy scene. The girls on the television were giggling around a diner booth, answering questions about their sexuality posed by an issue of Cosmopolitan.

“Maybe.” 

“Why?” he asked.

So I answered, honestly, “Because I never had that.” 

“That” referred to a group of close-knit girlfriends who were inseparable, who did everything together, who loved each other, and stuck together through thick and thin. 

Moms and sisters are built-in best friends, and I’m lucky to have mine. But there’s also a big age difference between me and my siblings. So growing up, they had their friends, and I needed to find my own.

Unfortunately for me, I was a super friendly, but also super naive, and an overly trusting kid - a cocktail of character traits that landed me in a lot of toxic relationships.

From elementary school through high school, and, yes, even parts of college, “women supporting women” was an ideal, not a reality. I hopped from one clique to the next, with high hopes that it would be a different experience. But I learned quickly that in the female-centric groups I’d gotten involved with, three is a crowd and four is too many. That, and I was too nice for my own good. 

I was bullied a lot as a kid and teenager, mostly by other girls, some my age, some who were a few years older than me. It got to a point where I just stopped trusting girls as a whole and started keeping a lot of those friendships at an arm’s distance to protect myself.

And, listen. I’m well aware that no one is perfect, and that there were probably many instances when I was in the wrong. Oftentimes, I voiced my opinion regardless of whether or not someone asked for it (and that got me into trouble). But I can say with a clear conscience that my intentions were good at least 90 percent of the time. I just wanted to be liked. (Doesn’t everyone?) I wanted to do right by my friends. If I was overly eager (and I usually was), it was because I was excited to be part of something. And if I was too honest, well, I was too honest, to a fault, over and over again.

Unfortunately, that combination landed me in groups that would rather gossip about me when I left the table than get to know my heart. 

If I could go back and do it all over again, I would. I’d walk away from the people who made school feel like hell. And I say people now because it wasn’t “girls” that were the problem, it was individual people I either didn’t get along with or who were just plain mean. (It took me a long time to learn the difference.) I’d spend less time trying to convince my best friend that being part of a clique would be cool, that it would be fun. Because, historically speaking, it wasn’t.

What was fun, though, was finally finding where I fit in the girl’s world I was living in, and the girls I fit with. You know who you are.

My friend Sarah once told me different friends would speak to different parts of my soul. She was right. I may not be part of a foursome like the one depicted in Now and Then, but I am a part of something. Something that, for me, is even better. 

Outside of my family (who, it must be said, consists of a force of loyal women to be reckoned with), I’ve formed my own community of supportive women that surround me every day. Family members, dear friends, and colleagues - women from all the walks of my life thus far, who’ve only brought out the best in me. Women who don’t mind my enthusiastic energy, who see me for who I am, and recognize my intentions. Which are just to be the best version of me - the best wife, daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, and all-around human that I can be.

So, thank you to those who’ve built me up, who continue to support me and smile with me. If only everyone could be as lucky as I am to have your light.

On another note, here are some articles of mine that went live this week, for anyone who’s interested in keeping up with my byline, too:

A New Era of Barbiecore Fashion Is Upon Us

7 Outfit Ideas to Wear to the Office This Summer

Emo Style Is Back, But Not In The Way You Remember

12 Trends to Try This Summer

What Is "Conscious Sleep" & Should You Try It?

Exploring The Psychology Of Dreams